What’s on your mind?Category: NEED HELP/ADVICE (concerning life/relationships/work)What place do I have to tell him I can’t be with him because we have sex?
Sheela Leigh Staff asked 5 months ago

(ANON QUESTION RECEIVED FROM GodfirstGodalways)

Hi, I would like your opinion on something. I’ve been so confused as to what I should do concerning my relationship with my bf. We engage in premarital sex but I want to stop. Idk if I should completely end the relationship or not. What’s making me hold on is the fact that he has supported me and helped me in a time where I was completely lost and away from God. I was even the one who pushed sex on him, so what place do I have to tell him I can’t be with him because we have sex? Please help. Thx

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Sheela Leigh Staff answered 5 months ago

I hope you’re not upset that this reply is so late but know that I always reply in order. Anyway, remember that confusion is of Satan. We must approach God because He is our clarity. Christian or not, the soul wants righteousness but the flesh wants instant gratification. The difference is that a Christian should be more aware of that than someone who isn’t. You’re on the right track for wanting to stop, but the question is are you going to walk it? It’s easier said than done. Sexual sin is different compared to other sins, not in a sense that God thinks twice about forgiving the person who engages in it…no….I say it in a sense that engaging in it defiles your own body (including your mind), which explains your confusion, and probably fear and anxiety too. I believe that couples who engage in premarital sex are also more often to disagree on things and fight in general, but couples who understand that sex should be within the marriage and are practical about the discipline have better communication because they’ve built (or in some cases rebuilt) a strong foundation that goes beyond feelings.

If you read most of my replies to prayer requests, I focus my prayers on drawing closer to God, I focus on requesting God to transform the mind and heart of the person going through the difficulty. Tell yourself, “I know what’s right and what’s wrong, but do I see potential in this person as a provider, a father, a husband, or a leader (whatever qualities you value in a lifelong partner)…do I have confidence in my heart of hearts that God can continue to work on him, and am I willing to give it a try to see if we can still work together as a couple without sex?” If after spending some time reflecting on that makes a lot of sense to you, then tell the Lord that you desire for change, not just in how you think but also in how you behave especially when you two are alone. You do that by spending more time with Him. I can’t emphasize that enough. The theme in a lot of my posts are spending more time with Him because that’s how you grow spiritually mature. If you haven’t yet started, right now listen to Christian vloggers that speak on the topic, there’s a lot of them and you will be encouraged to stay on track and actually walk it. You have to read your Bible too and read devotionals daily. If you haven’t explained to your boyfriend your convictions, your point will only be understood more and more whenever a fight breaks out…that’s if you’re still together. You can bring it up letting him know that you would probably fight/argue less if both of you had a deeper connection spiritually and if both of you came to the center where God should be. If he can’t respect that you’re doing this because you know in your heart God wants you to wait, then I’m sorry he isn’t the right one for you. Because he supported you in a time you needed it, it sounds like there could be a chance and I only say that because of your desire to want to be right with God again. If your values are modest, then his’ is probably too, sex just got in the way.…like attracts like.

Once you have become consistent at practicing His presence and you know in your spirit that you have been growing, that’s when you will start to be a better example to him and hopefully this should help him see that he must also change his ways by transforming his mind. You must attend church and fellowship, pray for each other everyday, and remind yourselves why you are doing this. I’m sure you want to have more peace within yourself, you want more out of this life, you just aren’t happy settling for what you thought was best, you want to have God’s best. Most Christians will tell you that you should not be in a relationship where you allow premarital sex…that’s true….they might even tell you get out of it……but really only you know in your heart if the relationship is toxic to you or not. It’s also very common for many Christians to engage in premarital sex, so I would say if you really believe that you can’t work on yourself while being in this relationship, then take yourself out of it and take a long break from him. Invest on your spiritual growth because your future and everything else highly depends on it. The rest will fall into place, because if you love the Lord with all your heart, you will respect yourself enough to attract what is good and pleasing and righteous. You might attract him back if God has also been working on him. And if he does come back into your life, stay grounded in faith, cling dearly to God. Or He could also bring someone who is much better for you. Be patient and wait on Him whether you’re in a relationship or not. Your beliefs shape your success. You have to be willing to accept what God’s will is and you must be content in Him alone whether you remain in this relationship or not.

My parents were not Christians when then met. My sister and I were both born before they got married. It was 9 years later after my mom met my dad when she gave her life to God. Did she leave my dad because he wasn’t saved? No, she often prayed for his salvation and 8 years later he accepted Christ as his Savior. Now he will be speaking this coming Sunday at our church as a substitute for the pastor. God works in mysterious and wonderful ways. It doesn’t always mean that if someone is having sex outside marriage, they have to break up with their significant other and never see them again. Everyone is at a different spiritual level and everyone has a different story. Repent and turn away from your sin and DO what is right. It’s possible for anyone to take advantage of His grace and also take it for granted by continuing to do what they know is wrong. If you love your boyfriend, you will also care enough for his spiritual growth. You have to pray where you are right now for strength and wisdom so He blesses you with His discernment to look forward to a bright future for yourself, and so you are able to take what you’ve learned from this experience and thank the Lord for His forgiveness and His grace to start over again with a pure heart. He loves you and wants you to focus on Him so He is able to show you what He is working out in you. Trust, His plans are always good. I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Bless! 🙂

P.S. 2 Cor. 6:14 is not a commandment but it is still wisdom, it’s something every Christian should be cautious of. But because we live in a world where it’s inevitable Christians will hang out with non-believers, just know that time should be limited with them otherwise if we are not careful enough we turn back to our old ways and stagnate our spiritual growth.

2 Corinthians 6:14 – Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

1 Corinthians 6:18 – Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

Proverbs 4:23 – Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

James 1:22 – Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

Lamentations 3:25-26 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,“ declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

By His Grace, Sheela (Via godfirstgodalways)

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