I Deserved It

I’ve been hitting the same wall several times lately. Not literally. No. I’m talking about the writer’s block. I’ve been fearing too. But I’ve found a remedy aside from praying. I realized as soon as I’ve peeked my head in a few blogs to say “Hi” and “Hello”, I’m inspired to write again. God reminds me that love covers a multitude of sins. I’ve heard it said that writing helps people stay sane. But now that I actually get a few likes here and there, I’m becoming more self-conscious. I find myself holding back from what my heart really wants to say because it’s concerned more with making sure my posts have content that are worthy of likes. This reminds me of my facebook days. Lord, it’s been almost three months and I’m still trying to get the hang of blogging. I was never able to complete a journal from beginning to end because I was deathly afraid that my thoughts would be exposed. But it’s good to age wisely even at a slow pace, because if I never dismissed those fears, I would still be a coward today and bottle up so much of what I feel. It’s past Halloween. I can’t let fear get to me now. I just don’t want blogging to end up like facebook. I was too analytical for facebook. That’s why I quit cold turkey. Every comment and like was such an approval for me. It’s almost 3 years God. That’s just as long as I’ve been single. That’s a good thing right? Why is there a side to me that wants to deceive people into thinking that I’m angelic? It’s a constant battle in my head. I’m a sinner just like everyone else. Note to self. You began blogging to stay sane. You are not a saint. This is your journal young lady. Don’t hold back. Don’t forget that. Your brain is so weird, but at least you’re trying to cope with it.

Now that’s out of the way, I have another confession. Last weekend I saw Jesus. He was sipping on alcohol. He was definitely not Holy. This one was flirting with a group of Disney princesses. Call me hypocrite. I danced my way into a club again for the love of my cousin who turned 21. It was her birthday wish. I slipped on shoes that gave me a good few inches added to my height. To fit in? Yes, I admit. But more importantly, so I don’t get lost in a crowd of giants. 5 feet is cute outside the club, but not so much while you’re inside. So, I saw Jesus and I laughed. And I shouldn’t have. I wish I didn’t see him or I wish I didn’t laugh. Did I make the right decision to come out? How many times have I told myself I was never going inside a club again? 25 plus cousins is a blessing and the next 21st birthday is just around the corner. Nevada, what are you doing to me?!?! If I was married I wouldn’t have this problem. I change my mind. I’m glad I saw Jesus. I was convicted and reminded that God had His eyes on me. I hope others were also convicted by this man’s appearance.

Two nights I showed up. The suite was paid for. I promised I would do her makeup. She loved it. She loves me. I love her. God still loves me. I love Him. My heart’s been blistered quite a bit, but I’m good. My feet were pretty blistered too. That’s what I get. I caught a flu. And now I can’t go to church, or I’ll contaminate everyone. I deserved it.

By His Grace, Sheela

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22 Comments Add yours

  1. What an amazing post. It is positive and addresses issues that all writer’s face. For me it is around the holidays because my rents have died and the family thing is no longer there. I have lots of friends, but they still have rents and going makes me feel awkward and sentimental. Keep it coming, sounds like you are on the right path. Peace Out!

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Thanks a bunch! 😀 I believe that each year will only get better. There was a time when I wished I didn’t have any parents…how silly of me I used to think that way. But anyway you’re blessed to have lots of friends! I feel like I mostly have acquaintances…and you’ve just reminded me not to take parents for granted. You’re awesome! 😀

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  2. Sweetie, just because we are tempted, doesn’t mean we sin. Jesus was sinless, and he was tempted in the desert. Mel is right – Jesus travels with you. Rely on his strength. He seeks your honesty. All you need to do is seek his kingdom. Because you are yoked with him, you will easily hear his voice.

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    1. leighla93 says:

      And there are some adults like myself, who are still like little children, and still need affirmation from the wiser and elder like yourself. 🙂 I’m glad you tell it like it is.

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  3. leighla93 says:

    🙂 Under this weather I’m in, you’ve just made me feel a ton better. Glad you can see a point I didn’t even intend to make…I just wrote down the things that was going through my mind..things I felt. Haha! I like how you think. 😀

    I was a person that was used to being easily swayed/influenced, so you can just imagine how it’s such an accomplishment for me to be able to say “no” sometimes. I’m still figuring out how to have a good balance between my relationship with God and my relationships with people. I think it’s a trust issue I have. I had a feeling someone was going to bring up the story of Jesus when He was hanging out with tax collectors and prostitutes. Hehe thanks! I’ve had that comfortable feeling being in my own skin at clubs before. There’s just a deep desire in my heart to stop being part of the atmosphere altogether, but if it’s for people I love especially family, I’ll suck it up. I understand what you’re trying to say about bringing the light everywhere I go, but I feel I’m not strong enough yet or stable to be consistent about being comfortable in settings such as clubs. But I could just be over analyzing myself again. I will still acknowledge though that there’s a reason why God put my family in Las Vegas 8 years ago. If I need to be more like Jesus, then I need to start to pray for even more confidence. I love your thoughts. 🙂

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    1. melwild says:

      It’s wisdom to only go in where you have the faith for. But as you grow, you’ll be more comfortable in these type of situations. As long as you remember who you are, and that you’re doing it for love (friends, cousins, etc.), you’ll be just fine. 🙂

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      1. leighla93 says:

        Thank you Mel. I like that a lot. “It’s wisdom to only go in where you have the faith for”. And I’ll keep that in mind. 🙂

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  4. melwild says:

    Great post. I “like it!” 🙂 Totally understandable on the needing affirmation. I think that’s why Facebook became a multi-billion dollar enterprise. We all deal with it. As far as your “seeing Jesus” experience, I think it really fits what you’re saying about being liked. And you’re actually hitting on something profound.

    I think Jesus wants you to enjoy being “in Him” wherever you go. And I mean, wherever…You see, He would be in that club anyway because He loves those people dearly, more than what the religious people might say. And when you go into a place like that, Jesus goes there too. Because you brought Him! And I’m not condoning living a life of “clubbing” or excusing indulging ourselves in sinful behavior. What I’m saying is that the Jesus who lives inside you is the same Person who turned water into wine at a wedding. The same Jesus went to the homes of tax collectors and prostitutes. He was comfortable in His own skin wherever He was because He knew who He was. He didn’t have a religious bone in His body.

    So, as far as your cousins go, or anyone else in your life. Love is more important than appearances or places. If they invite you, go. Have fun, enjoy life. Most of all, love them. Be “you” wherever you, even in a club. That’s what Jesus would do. For when your affirmation comes from Him, you don’t need to worry about doing the wrong thing. And those places REALLY need your light! So stand tall in those five-foot shoes! 🙂 Remember, as Jesus is, so are we in this world (1 Jn.4:17). So, “be” Jesus for your family and friends. You’ll do more to win them over to Him there than in a church setting.

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  5. Transparent living. Hallelujah! Thank you, sister. You keep on pushing forward and continue to trust Jesus. We will not condemn your honesty. You encourage many with it, and it is good for us to see we are not alone.

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Phew! Wow thank you for stating that term..exactly what I’m striving for. The truth always sets us free. Hallelujah! 🙂

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Hehe! I use it to cover up my brattiness. 🙂

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      1. LOL, a noble purpose!

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  6. Lovely post – I too am poorly, day 2 of the worst head and cold symptoms. Such a grump :p

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    1. leighla93 says:

      😀 I share in your grumpiness!

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      1. leighla93 says:

        Haha get well my friend!

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      2. I’m already in bed, moaning to myself 😛
        Thank you – you too grump!

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  7. Glad you aren’t letting the fear rule your life! I figure if I saw Jesus having a drink, I’d probably giggle, too. He’d probably forgive me, too!

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Hihihi! Thanks for that! 😀

      Like

  8. soullfire says:

    Good post. I think the vast majority of us easily fall into the trap of being too self conscious and worrying about what others might thing about us and the subsequent judging that follows. On the other side of the spectrum, there are extremely obnoxious people who don’t seem to care what anyone thinks about their actions. In between lies the happy medium of freely expressing one’s thoughts without being over the top.

    Your dance club experience of seeing ‘Jesus’ reminds me of the Cheers episode where Sam thought he had a religious sign not to meet up with a certain woman, said out loud that he really didn’t believe it and when he opened the door to leave he’s confronted by a man with a staff and white hair he believes to be God who calls him “Infidel!”. =) Sam falls on the floor with a near heart attack only to find it was Woody dressed as Moses for an upcoming play, lol! Sometimes, timing is indeed everything. 😉

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Hahahaha!! I’ve seen a couple Cheers episodes but I’ve yet to see this one. If I don’t feel bad about it, then I shouldn’t call myself a Christian. Eventually, the realization helps me out…and sometimes it may take a while. The perks of setting high standards for myself!

      Thanks! Sounds like a really funny episode. I hope I can find it somewhere on the net. 😀

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