I’ve been hitting the same wall several times lately. Not literally. No. I’m talking about the writer’s block. I’ve been fearing too. But I’ve found a remedy aside from praying. I realized as soon as I’ve peeked my head in a few blogs to say “Hi” and “Hello”, I’m inspired to write again. God reminds me that love covers a multitude of sins. I’ve heard it said that writing helps people stay sane. But now that I actually get a few likes here and there, I’m becoming more self-conscious. I find myself holding back from what my heart really wants to say because it’s concerned more with making sure my posts have content that are worthy of likes. This reminds me of my facebook days. Lord, it’s been almost three months and I’m still trying to get the hang of blogging. I was never able to complete a journal from beginning to end because I was deathly afraid that my thoughts would be exposed. But it’s good to age wisely even at a slow pace, because if I never dismissed those fears, I would still be a coward today and bottle up so much of what I feel. It’s past Halloween. I can’t let fear get to me now. I just don’t want blogging to end up like facebook. I was too analytical for facebook. That’s why I quit cold turkey. Every comment and like was such an approval for me. It’s almost 3 years God. That’s just as long as I’ve been single. That’s a good thing right? Why is there a side to me that wants to deceive people into thinking that I’m angelic? It’s a constant battle in my head. I’m a sinner just like everyone else. Note to self. You began blogging to stay sane. You are not a saint. This is your journal young lady. Don’t hold back. Don’t forget that. Your brain is so weird, but at least you’re trying to cope with it.
Now that’s out of the way, I have another confession. Last weekend I saw Jesus. He was sipping on alcohol. He was definitely not Holy. This one was flirting with a group of Disney princesses. Call me hypocrite. I danced my way into a club again for the love of my cousin who turned 21. It was her birthday wish. I slipped on shoes that gave me a good few inches added to my height. To fit in? Yes, I admit. But more importantly, so I don’t get lost in a crowd of giants. 5 feet is cute outside the club, but not so much while you’re inside. So, I saw Jesus and I laughed. And I shouldn’t have. I wish I didn’t see him or I wish I didn’t laugh. Did I make the right decision to come out? How many times have I told myself I was never going inside a club again? 25 plus cousins is a blessing and the next 21st birthday is just around the corner. Nevada, what are you doing to me?!?! If I was married I wouldn’t have this problem. I change my mind. I’m glad I saw Jesus. I was convicted and reminded that God had His eyes on me. I hope others were also convicted by this man’s appearance.
Two nights I showed up. The suite was paid for. I promised I would do her makeup. She loved it. She loves me. I love her. God still loves me. I love Him. My heart’s been blistered quite a bit, but I’m good. My feet were pretty blistered too. That’s what I get. I caught a flu. And now I can’t go to church, or I’ll contaminate everyone. I deserved it.
By His Grace, Sheela