I am a complicated person. I battle with frustration, irritability, anger, anxiety. Call it what you may. Exclude PMS. I am ashamed of it. Sometimes my problem leaves me very helpless and shocked at what I am capable of doing. I usually write about good, positive things here, but I just can’t seem to find the strength to post another positive message without first talking about something I’ve been holding in. I joined WordPress as a daily journal between me and God, and I never knew that I would have a good few readers following because of my uplifting words. I’m sorry if this post will disturb anyone. I like to come across as sweet, strong, optimistic, and confident, but more than that, I value honesty.
I am a hurting individual and no one can hurt me more than the words I throw at others and the way I behave during those times, especially toward my family members. Then I ask myself later on, “Why?” No one was physically hurt, but me. This is the best way I can explain it. It’s a rude explosion setting off in my mind, spreading to every joint in my body, and all they want to do is collide against a hard surface so forcefully. It’s a combustion rumbling in my cheekbones, striking all around my neck, my shoulders, down my back and ribs, my wrists, knees, and ankles. I become a fire-breathing monster. I become like Godzilla. My more sensitive side is trying to catch up onto what just happened, and all I want to do is lock myself up in a dungeon. I become a ball, coiled, face down, trembling, and compulsively twisting my joints, limbs, and anything I can find on my body to twist. It’s the best remedy at the moment to try to calm myself down. At that point, the thought of my bones being broken would feel so good. But no, I don’t want to die yet. I’m fighting to live. I have a mission. Then tears start rolling. I cry helplessly. The Lord will help me be still. I remember His love. He loves me. I love Him. I am a loving person. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. He only gives me what I can handle. I believe God only gives me what I can handle. Amen.
My pride had a hard time these past couple of days, because it knew it would lose. For 3 years, I have never been a member of my church. But last Sunday, I finally walked down to the pastor towards the end of service, hand in hand with both my parents, and I’m happy to say it feels good to be members. I’m so proud of both my parents too. There is victory in God. I discovered this blog should not just be for me, but that I have a mission here, and that mission is to uplift and empower others. It has easily become very tempting to mask a weaker side of me for fear of losing followers. But I hate a deceiving tongue or mind I should say, more than anything. I’ve accepted this problem and I’m trying to use my negative energy to turn it into positive energy. God can balance me. That’s why I started blogging. Honesty is the best way to blog and connect. I would be limiting myself from great friendships/relationships by not being honest, and instead make others believe that everything is fine and dandy, that my relationship with God is incredibly strong. Wrong. It’s useless effort and it doesn’t please Him. It doesn’t settle right in my heart and my joy fades. My words may be very positive during times that I am strong in my relationship with God, but sometimes I admit it’s to cover my more vulnerable side. God honors humility and I want to be more like His Son. I’ve changed my blog title so many times, but I think I’m going to settle with “Heart’s Table” for good. Love feeds and nurtures. Love is Life. Love the Lord. My anxiety with anger/irritability discourages me to love. And I know that’s Satan trying to do his thing. I was physically and verbally abused for 15 years of my life, and although I have forgiven my abuser, I have a side of me that resembles much like his. I believe there are bloggers/writers out there that preach what they preach because it’s something they struggle with. Hence, why God uses our weaknesses to turn them into strengths all for His glory. Amen? My relationship with God is important, because I really would not know how to love others. Love is the most important command in the Bible. I am a loner without His guidance. Without Him, I can be inconsiderate, indifferent, insensitive, condescending, impatient, unstable, impulsive, unsociable, quiet, fearful, timid, misunderstood, verbally, and physically forceful. I am holistic and I will never take prescribed medicine. Kava Kava has worked on me but I think it’s wearing out. This would be my very first time asking for prayers about this particular problem I have. Friends, will you please pray for me?
By His Grace, Sheela