Being Godzilla is Not Godlike

eruption

I am a complicated person. I battle with frustration, irritability, anger, anxiety. Call it what you may. Exclude PMS. I am ashamed of it. Sometimes my problem leaves me very helpless and shocked at what I am capable of doing. I usually write about good, positive things here, but I just can’t seem to find the strength to post another positive message without first talking about something I’ve been holding in. I joined WordPress as a daily journal between me and God, and I never knew that I would have a good few readers following because of my uplifting words. I’m sorry if this post will disturb anyone. I like to come across as sweet, strong, optimistic, and confident, but more than that, I value honesty.

I am a hurting individual and no one can hurt me more than the words I throw at others and the way I behave during those times, especially toward my family members. Then I ask myself later on, “Why?” No one was physically hurt, but me. This is the best way I can explain it. It’s a rude explosion setting off in my mind, spreading to every joint in my body, and all they want to do is collide against a hard surface so forcefully. It’s a combustion rumbling in my cheekbones, striking all around my neck, my shoulders, down my back and ribs, my wrists, knees, and ankles. I become a fire-breathing monster. I become like Godzilla. My more sensitive side is trying to catch up onto what just happened, and all I want to do is lock myself up in a dungeon. I become a ball, coiled, face down, trembling, and compulsively twisting my joints, limbs, and anything I can find on my body to twist. It’s the best remedy at the moment to try to calm myself down. At that point, the thought of my bones being broken would feel so good. But no, I don’t want to die yet. I’m fighting to live. I have a mission. Then tears start rolling. I cry helplessly. The Lord will help me be still. I remember His love. He loves me. I love Him. I am a loving person. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. He only gives me what I can handle. I believe God only gives me what I can handle. Amen.

My pride had a hard time these past couple of days, because it knew it would lose. For 3 years, I have never been a member of my church. But last Sunday, I finally walked down to the pastor towards the end of service, hand in hand with both my parents, and I’m happy to say it feels good to be members. I’m so proud of both my parents too. There is victory in God. I discovered this blog should not just be for me, but that I have a mission here, and that mission is to uplift and empower others. It has easily become very tempting to mask a weaker side of me for fear of losing followers. But I hate a deceiving tongue or mind I should say, more than anything. I’ve accepted this problem and I’m trying to use my negative energy to turn it into positive energy. God can balance me. That’s why I started blogging. Honesty is the best way to blog and connect. I would be limiting myself from great friendships/relationships by not being honest, and instead make others believe that everything is fine and dandy, that my relationship with God is incredibly strong. Wrong. It’s useless effort and it doesn’t please Him. It doesn’t settle right in my heart and my joy fades. My words may be very positive during times that I am strong in my relationship with God, but sometimes I admit it’s to cover my more vulnerable side. God honors humility and I want to be more like His Son. I’ve changed my blog title so many times, but I think I’m going to settle with “Heart’s Table” for good. Love feeds and nurtures. Love is Life. Love the Lord. My anxiety with anger/irritability discourages me to love. And I know that’s Satan trying to do his thing. I was physically and verbally abused for 15 years of my life, and although I have forgiven my abuser, I have a side of me that resembles much like his. I believe there are bloggers/writers out there that preach what they preach because it’s something they struggle with. Hence, why God uses our weaknesses to turn them into strengths all for His glory. Amen? My relationship with God is important, because I really would not know how to love others. Love is the most important command in the Bible. I am a loner without His guidance. Without Him, I can be inconsiderate, indifferent, insensitive, condescending, impatient, unstable, impulsive, unsociable, quiet, fearful, timid, misunderstood, verbally, and physically forceful. I am holistic and I will never take prescribed medicine. Kava Kava has worked on me but I think it’s wearing out. This would be my very first time asking for prayers about this particular problem I have. Friends, will you please pray for me?

By His Grace, Sheela

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23 Comments Add yours

  1. RMB Photography says:

    Hahaha! I am Godzilla! 😉 Sometimes it’s okay to be angry and it’s good to have an outlet wether it’s speaking with the Lord, yelling (by yourself), enjoying a hobby, or hitting a punching bag. As long as we don’t hurt other people and our anger is reasonable, the Lord is fine with it. I believe that God would rather us be angry with him rather than being angry other people. Us people who are prone to anger are God’s method for testing the forgiveness of others. Many Christians forget that Christ was angered with the bankers and merchants at the temple. If anger is constant and without reason, we need serious help from God. Sometimes it helps to have a close friend with whom you can converse with about anything. An ignorant and sinful person would never see fault within herself and you are good enough to see it. Everyone has their stuff to deal with and I think you’re going to be just fine! 🙂

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    1. leighla93 says:

      LOL, it’s nice to meet another kind like me! Glad that made you laugh. Well I think you’re right. God would rather have us be angry at Him than at other people, but it’s so easy getting mad at other people instead, especially during that time when your anger is full blown. Thank you. This right now is counseling for me…after everything is so last week, and done and over with. I don’t like venting to others right after the incident because it just shows an insecure side of me instead of turning to God. I tend to bottle it up, but writing it down whether or not I have an audience is theraputic too. I’ve realized that about myself, that writing down my past experiences helps me out a lot, because it challenges me to go about it with honesty, laying it all for the Lord, which eventually has it’s own way of becoming positive. I just can’t seem to get mad at God. I get mad at myself instead and I become the punching bag. I think it’s my way of expressing my built up anger for all those years. It means a lot knowing that you think I’m normal. 🙂

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      1. RMB Photography says:

        It’s just human nature. I never put anyone down for anger, only when it hurts other people. I can take just about anything people dish out to me however, I’m not a push over. You are a good person and God loves you especially when you are hard on yourself. Psalms 51:17 is one to always remember. It shows how feeling hurt and self anger etc. brings you closer to the Lord. I feel good (not necessarily happy) when I’m down because I know the Lord is there. There are some Christians who believe that life must always be good or else we’re doing something wrong. No, God is moving through you and shaping you, further chipping off the rough edges of his masterpiece. In a sense, he is bathing us in the fires of hell temporarily to keep us from entering them permanently. It’s a blessing to suffer hardships in life and (in my opinion) everyone should embrace them. I think you and I have a lot in common. 🙂

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      2. leighla93 says:

        “There are some Christians who believe that life must always be good or else we’re doing something wrong.” That was my mindset for so long. And it took a while for me to finally start relaxing. This year, I’ve grown more comfortable that being the best me (which is in Christ) is all it takes to be confident about life whatever my circumstances are, because God is always our guide no matter what. I’m gaining more balanced and at peace. Yes, I feel the chiseling, and it is good. Thank you Ryan! 🙂

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  2. I love the way you can express yourself through your words. I know without the Lord I am nothing and I can relate to the things you shared. Stay strong dear, praying for you!

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Hi. Hello. I try my best. 🙂 You have the fewest words, but I’m still very encouraged. 🙂 Thank you! I’m praying for both of us. God bless you!

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  3. Sheela, I really admire your honesty and humility. You have a lot of wisdom, especially for someone so young.
    I understand that you’ve forgiven your abuser and I respect your decision not to take drugs (to help you cope with anger…), but what about counseling?
    I am praying for you.

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Thank you Bill for the nice compliments. 🙂 By His grace, I can choose to be honest. My anger was more uncontrollable in the past because I was not at all stable in my relationship with God. But this year I’ve been taking Him more seriously than ever before. God is so timely since my family is now a member of our church. I believe that once I get plugged in with fellowship, my ministry will be my counselor. Please pray for that. And this space /community I have here on the net has already helped me a lot. From the bottom of my heart thank you for your concern and encouragement. God bless you a ton! 🙂

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  4. It is a good thing when the conviction of the Holy Spirit comes. You see, God disciplines whom he loves. That’s where the growth is; the place at which we see fruit develop in an area where there were none before. Remember, that God is faithful to complete the work that He started in you. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. I mean, after all, everyone one of us is a sinner saved by grace.
    I will be following your blog because I believe it is important to support other believers who are trying to get the Hope of Christ out to all. God bless Sheela.

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    1. leighla93 says:

      I am quite hard on myself, but I think God made me this way because He knows I’ll cling onto Him even more. Thank you for seeing my problem and delivering these words from God. I take them to heart and appreciate it very much. You have a genuine spirit. 🙂 God bless you so much! 🙂

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  5. Well, done, good and faithful servant. Keep opening up to His leading, and His Love will flow more easily through you. He is faithful and just, and He wants all of you, even the Godzilla within. You are doing exactly what He asks, you are laying it at His feet. I will pray that you leave it there. Continue to trust Him, and watch Him work. He will complete what He has begun.

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Laying it all at His feet. 🙂 Thank you Marcus. Thank you for speaking the truth! I’m empowered with your directness. Thank you for the pingback. I appreciate your prayers. God bless you! 😀

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  6. D.R. Tracy says:

    I think you are very brave and so open and honest to speak about such attacks. This day your voice has been heard on high, placed at the throne of God. God has heard your tears, seen and watched your struggle with these “forces” that constantly wages war against you and your deliverance is not far. Because you are apart of the body of Christ, when one member of the body suffer we all suffer and I share in this with you. God did not give us a “spirit of fear”, but one of power that cries out ABBA Father. Each spirit has a name, whether, “rage”, “murder”, “lies”, and we must stand on the authority given to us by Christ Jesus, to cast out demons, those whispers that would have us believe lies. The battlefield is the mind, please read Ephesians 6:10-12, and then Romans 8:28-39 “More than Conquerors” and know you are not alone in this, for the battle is the Lord’s, so victory is yours today…I promise you. I standing in the gap for you as well. may God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ protect you and bless you and your house hold. Amen

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    1. leighla93 says:

      If I never had a relationship with God, I would still know myself to be somewhat brave, open, and honest. But with God, I definitely have to step it up, so it’s a challenge to be all that especially when it comes to honesty. I pray to be more honest about my faith and I thought that starting a Christian blog would be an active approach to an answered prayer. I mean this is just on the internet, and I want to use my activities here as baby steps, and eventually I would like to be bolder overall about my walk with people…in person. Your words mean a lot to me because they encourage me to be bolder and to stay strong. Thank you for having the time to comment a difficult person. I will read the scriptures before going to bed tonight. Thank you! I appreciate your encouragement Mr. D.R. Tracy. May God bless you with more insight! 🙂

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  7. I will pray for you, and I would also remind you that God understands and forgives us when he knows our hearts, and based on your dedication to Him and in sharing Him with all of us on here, I’m positive he knows He is in your heart and mind. Trust is hard for abuse survivors, and that includes trusting in God that he really does forgive us. Satan will try to convince you that things you say and do are unforgivable or that you are less than because he berates you that you aren’t worthy and that see God thinks you’ve failed too. Satan is a liar. God wants us to be like him, but he Jesus dies on the cross so we could be forgiven. That’s how loved you are. You are good, and you are a gift to us and the world. So I will pray that God opens your eyes so you will see yourself as he sees you.

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    1. leighla93 says:

      🙂 Thanks Amy. I know my temper is short lived, and I’m somewhat immune to it because I know it’ll happen again, but I really needed to sit down and recognize that it’s a real problem I have instead of denying that it’s that bad like I’ve done so many times before, but when I really analyze myself, I know my behavior isn’t normal. When you said “Trust is hard for abuse survivors, and that includes trusting God that He really does forgive us”, it’s something that I should know, but it felt like I heard it for the first time. I know I’m a smart girl, but reading this, it’s like I finally got the message at church. Haha! I felt your sincere concern. This was my counseling and you’re a great reminder. Thank you for seeing my heart and knowing what to say.☺ Thank you for your prayers and God bless you Amy!! 🙂 🙂

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  8. Oh, and when you feel Godzilla reeling his ugly head, say aloud The Lord’s Prayer pausing and speaking slowly, “But deliver us from evil”. 🙂 Always works wonders for me! 🙂

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    1. leighla93 says:

      Mom. May I call you mom? 🙂 I gave counting a chance before, but I don’t think I was patient or believed in it enough, so I’m gonna give it a try again. And exercising, yes, another reminder. I’ve been skipping on my morning runs, and I literally feel disabled without doing them. I will try my very best to remember “But deliver us from evil”. Thank you so much for caring and for your positive words! *huuugs* God bless you always! 😀

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  9. Sheela, we all struggle with the battle between Light and Darkness. It is something that is part of being human. God understands and He has given us everything we need to combat the Darkness. Do not be afraid of your Godzilla as you call it. Embrace it, look it in the eye and say, “You are a part of me but with the Light, you will retreat”. It is only when you acknowledge that part of you can you then release its hold on you. 🙂

    When I am faced with the Darkness inside me, I close my eyes and count to 10. If that does not help, then I increase it to 20. I also take a walk. Exercise always helps to clear the mind and release the emotions. 🙂

    I will pray for you, Sheela! *hugs*

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  10. Hope says:

    He remembers that we are dust… Don’t kick yourself. Live and learn and trust Him when the same test comes up again…and, it WILL. 🙂 You’re honesty poured out like this pleases Him, too. It encourages others and makes us all stronger as it glorifies Him! Hang in there…a vapor is short lived. 🙂

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    1. leighla93 says:

      It is very short lived. Thank you for that. Thank you for your lightheartedness. I appreciate it when others are straightforward. Your words were just what I needed. God bless you! ☺

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