It’s 9:04 pm and I’m suppose to be at the MGM Grand Hotel having shots with friends and people I don’t know before heading out for a night of blistered feet from dancing, and grinding, while sipping on my own cherry voldka and other people’s drinks. My cousin from California had extended her birthday invitation, and I had a month to anticipate. Obviously, it would be on my side of town, club hopping as we’d normally do. So I didn’t think twice about it and she counted me in. I’ve been a people pleaser since I can remember, but I know that it has got to stop. Then, deep down a gentle tug felt as if God was saying “I’ve got it all under control.” I prayed about it several times. “It’s under His control, not mine. I trust His will.”
I remember the many Saturday nights I would sit on the toilet bowl, drowning in a whirlwind of self-pity, conviction, naivete, vanity, self-righteousness, and truth. In that short time of privacy, I’d make myself believe I could pull it together, because God was watching me. But as soon as I stood up, my legs would wobble and I would leave the stall full of doubts. I imagine that’s how a Catholic would feel like (minus the drunkenness), after leaving the confession booth not convinced that her sins were pardoned. Then the innocent voice in my head would always remind me “But hey, it’s not like you do this every single weekend anyway.” My hang-overs were bearable the next day, but my shame on the other hand would opt to skip church.
Everything is/was under His control. And so it was. The Lord threw all kinds of things at me and I didn’t even have to sugar coat my excuses for not coming out. My grandma, my uncle and aunt, along with their fireball of a daughter decided to come out and visit us from California. There were plenty of chores to do, catching up, and plenty of playtime. The first day of school starts this Monday, and my sister asked for my help to finish redecorating her classroom, because her husband was busy fixing up his own classroom. I had to take my brother for his 5th grade orientation since my parents could not leave the house to entertain our relatives. To be honest, I’m tired of shopping for an outfit or dress that I would only wear for a night. Honestly, I’m broke. And to be more honest, I’d be too tired since I don’t even sleep every night, and it’s that time of the month for me again. Honest to God, I just don’t enjoy the scene anymore. I enjoy myself more when I’m drunk in His presence. I appreciate life more when I’m drunk with His joy. I want more of God when I’m drunk with His passion.
So I’m off the hook. I feel great for once saying “No.” She’s not upset or angry. She’s not let down. She completely understands. I feel at peace for making the right decision. God is good and I’m drunk off His love!!! I think I’m just about ready to pass out. Alright, good night.
By His Grace, Sheela